The Legend of Kia

or, How I Was Defeated by a Kia Optima

Thom, a fairly accomplished man-of-all-trades, and Kim were good friends.

One day, after some working on various things and taking care of Thom's infirmed wife, tragedy struck:

Kim's Kia Optima of Worthiness stopped working! This stole away Kim's ability to do anything!

"Have no fear," Thom said, "I can fix it!" And so he strapped on his Stanley Tool Set of Awesomeness, holstered his Multimeter of Sensitivity, and set off into the Labyrinth of Kia to defeat the Minotaur of Death that lurked inside.

First, he went into the Cave of Battery. He looked around with the expert eye of a practiced spelunker, but found nothing there, even after calling in the Sage of Auto Zone to look into the Cave of Battery with him.

After consulting with the Sage of Auto Zone, he set off into the Cove of the Spark Plugs of Light. Little did he know that the way to the Cove of the Spark Plugs of light wasn't straightforward, as it was in other labyrinths. Instead, he needed to call forth his assistant, Joe, who was experienced in such matters.

With the help of Joe, Thom unlocked the secret doors that led to the Cove of the Spark Plugs of Light. There, he found a small monster that was plaguing the poor Spark Plugs of Light, preventing them from doing what they needed to do. So, quick as a whip, Thom reached for his Stanley Spark Plug Wrench of Power and beat down the evil monster plaguing the Spark Plugs of Light.

But still, this was no ultimate victory; the Kia Optima of Worthiness still did not start.

Thom and Joe then delved down the Passage of Fuel Delivery, which wound through the Hall of Fuel Injectors, down the Stairs of the Fuel Filter, and into the Chamber of the Fuel Pump. There our heroes found nothing.

Then Thom and Joe returned to the Cove of the Spark Plugs of Light to inspect the Cave of the Ignition Coils. Thom whipped out his Multimeter of Sensitivity and measured. He measured and measured, but never found anything out of the ordinary.

Thom sent Joe back to his wife and son, and then called Chris the Ultimate God of Automotive Expertise. Chris the Ultimate God of Automotive Expertise was out doing things that only He could do, and in the meantime, Kim discovered that a Chipmunk of Extreme Evil had chewed through some sort of cords that led to some sort of magic cylinder within the Giant Chamber of Kia Engineness.

Thom went down into the Workshop of Dreams to retrieve his Electrical Fixing Kit of Happiness. He returned to the Labyrinth of Kia and repaired the cords.

Still no victory. He consulted the Ultimate Sage of the Internet. This told him that he had to replace the Barometric Pressure Sensor of Knowledge, which was what the mysterious cords led to, or so it said.

Then Chris the Ultimate God of Automotive Expertise returned Thom's call, and after going back into the Cove of the Spark Plugs of Light and doing more checking, Chris the Ultimate God of Automotive Expertise declared that the problem was in the Chamber of the Crankshaft Position Sensor of Doom, not the Barometric Pressure Sensor of Knowledge, as the wily Ultimate Sage of the Internet had told him. He then told Thom that the Ultimate Sage of the Internet was unworthy of the title, "Sage", and instead has named it the "Fool".

Chris taught Thom how to use his Multimeter of Sensitivity to see if the problem was within the Chamber of the Crankshaft Position Sensor of Doom. It turned out that the problem was indeed there, and then he had to find his way through the Labyrinth of Kia to find the Chamber of the Crankshaft Position Sensor of Doom.

Thom called his friend James, and together with James' Air Compressor of Power and Impact Wrench of Destruction, they set off to find the Chamber of the Crankshaft Position Sensor of Doom.

According to the Kia Repair Forum of Wisdom, they first had to go beneath the Labyrinth of Kia, behind the Wheel of Uncertainty, which had to be removed to enter the Secret Cave of Wheel Well. They followed these instructions, but then in their way was the Wheel Well Baffle of Misfortune. Thom went back into the Workshop of Dreams to retrieve his Corded Drill of Ultimate Power. He used the Corded Drill of Ultimate Power to remove the Wheel Well Baffle of Misfortune, and when that was done, he saw the Crankshaft Pulley of Death.

Armed with his Drill, Thom first removed the four sentries guarding the Center Nut of Static Motion, then took the Impact Wrench of Ultimate Destruction to the Center Nut of Static Motion, to no avail. Then he took his Stanley Ratchet of Awesomeness to it, only to rotate the Crankshaft Pulley of Death, along with the Serpentine Belt of Evil and all its attendant Slave Flywheels and Pulleys, and not remove the Center Nut of Static Motion. He put a Metal Bar of Strength into the Power Steering Pulley of Anger to lock the Serpentine Belt of Evil into place. But then, the Seed of Doubt placed itself into our hero's head: "What if there's something inside the Crankshaft of Life that would be damaged if you pulled too hard on the Center Nut of Static Motion?"

First, Thom went to the Triple Sages of Automotive Works: Haynes, Chilton, and Mitchell. Unfortunately, all three came back to tell him that they had yet to illuminate a text concerning the repair of the 2005 Kia Optima of Worthiness.

So our hero set forth out of the Labyrinth of Kia to find the answer. He first wanted to consult Chris the Ultimate God of Automotive Expertise, but he was, again, away. He then sought Summerfield, the Sage of Automotive Knowledge. Summerfield told Thom that his plan was a good one, but that he would then need the Pulley Puller of Power and the Serpentine Belt of Good Fortune after he got the Center Nut of Static Motion off of the Crankshaft of Life.

So Thom set forth to the Sage of Auto Zone, where he was rewarded with the Pulley Puller of Power and the Serpentine Belt of Good Fortune. Our hero then went back to the Labyrinth of Kia to do battle with the Center Nut of Static Motion. On the way, he stopped to see the Kia Repair Forum of Wisdom. The Kia Repair Forum of Wisdom gave him diagrams and instructions of what to do after he got the Crankshaft Pulley of Death off: He had to remove the Timing Belt Shield of Protection, and then remove the Power Steering Pump of Anger in order to put the wires for the Crankshaft Position Sensor of Love (which he will be using to replace the Crankshaft Position Sensor of Doom) in their place, and then reassemble the entire thing, and thus slay the Minotaur of Death in the Labyrinth of Kia

He locked down the Power Steering Pulley of Anger, and used his Breaker Bar of Strength only to find that the Center Nut of Static Motion was on the Crankshaft of Life so hard that even locking the Serpentine Belt of Evil didn't dislodge it. Thom went in to his Wife, Shanette, who may have been able to solve this problem for him with her experience, being the Sister of Chris the Ultimate God of Automotive Expertise. However, after inspecting the problem, she came up with no better answers than Thom had done.

Thom then called his first assistant, Joe, who was again experienced in such matters, and Joe told him that he needed the Strap Wrench of Extreme Grip to hold the Crankshaft Pulley of Death.

Thom talked to Kim. He was exhausted and frustrated. If he bought the Strap Wrench of Extreme Grip, he wasn't sure even how to use it. Thom had been battling his way through the Labyrinth of Kia for over a month, and although he was closer to slaying the Minotaur of Death than he was when he started, he didn't know what kinds of traps were yet laid in place for him to find, and what other Holy Artifacts he would need. Instead, Thom admitted defeat to his good friend, and apologized.

Thom packed up all his weapons, defeated. The Labyrinth of Kia bested him. He knew he could do it, but he didn't have the required Holy Artifacts, and he had no more means of acquiring any more. He also ran out of time. The replacement Suburban of Happiness which Kim was using while her Kia Optima of Worthiness was out of commission was, itself, out of commission, and then recalled by its owner. The Miracle Twins of Hollie and Patty helped for a week, but their ability to help was running dry.

Therefore, Thom is now out in search of an Automotive Mechanic of Good Price and Quality Work to take care of the problem in a much more timely manner.

~to be concluded